How many times have you caught yourself doing the exact thing you swore you’d stop doing? We promise ourselves we won’t overspend the next time we’re feeling overwhelmed. We vow to stop covering for others financially and to finally say no when we mean no. We tell ourselves we’re going to stop avoiding that mounting credit card balance… or stop trying to buy our way out of stress or shame.
And yet, there we are: Same patterns. Same behaviors. And often, the same financial fallout.
According to licensed marriage and family therapist Kati Morton, those habits aren’t really about money. They’re about control. In this week’s episode of HerMoney, Jean Chatzky sat down with Kati Morton, author of Why Do I Keep Doing This? Unlearn the Habits Keeping You Stuck and Unhappy, to unpack the emotional patterns that quietly sabotage our financial lives — especially during high-stress periods like midlife, divorce, or the transition into retirement.
Here’s what we learned.
Control: When a Strength Turns Into Self-Sabotage
Jean Chatzky: You write that so many of us learned early on that if we were perfectly prepared, endlessly responsible, then nothing bad would happen. And that is how control starts. It’s not as a choice, but as a survival skill. So where does it shift from being healthy to being harmful, and how can we tell the difference?
Kati Morton: In therapy, we call it locus of control. It’s essentially, what can we control? And we want to have an internal locus of control because all we actually can control is ourselves. And so when we’re doing things that are moving us towards our goals that are aligned with our values, I would say that’s very healthy control and butting up against motivation and consistency and those types of things.
However, it becomes unhealthy when it’s external. We’re trying to control something we technically cannot, another person, an outcome that we aren’t in charge of. And if we’re talking about money or the market, we don’t have control over that, right? It’ll go up and down. So when we do things to try to control that, that’s when it becomes unhealthy. When it’s outside of our locus of control, and we technically cannot even get that control. When it’s an illusion, it’s unhealthy.
Why Financial Anxiety Feels So Intense Right Now
Jean Chatzky: You’ve talked about how hard it is to deal with all the things that are swirling in the global landscape. One reaction I’ve noticed some people have is just saying, ‘You only live once. I’m going to just try to live my life. And that means spending my money to enjoy things now because I don’t know what’s coming down the road,’ I think that’s not an irrational decision at this point. How are you helping your clients deal with the world?
Kati Morton: You are correct. The world is a very chaotic place, and I think it’s because it feels so out of control. We are glomming onto anything that will make us feel better.
We have zero control over what happens in our world as a whole. Then we don’t need to allow that to affect my ability to make decisions in my life because what a scary place to live in where someone else has complete control over my emotional reaction. Think about it from that perspective: it’d be like letting your neighbor dictate your mood or your decisions. Realize that maybe that isn’t irrational, but it definitely is impulsive and not healthy.
Final Thoughts: Control, Compassion, and Taking Back Your Power
Jean Chatzky: So how do we get beyond these things?
Kati Morton: At first is just realizing that a lot of times we’re on autopilot, we’re operating out of an old system. It’s almost like we’re an old computer, plugged into an old 2005 tower, and we don’t realize it. A huge part of my own healing and the work I do with my patients is recognizing where it’s coming from.
I always say be curious, not judgmental. So I encourage little baby steps, instead of just going along with something, we at least share our opinion. Or maybe next time you’re negotiating for your next contract, you ask for $5,000 more than you would have. We have to prove that it’s safe and okay, because when we go out of that norm, it can feel really scary. Give yourself time to adjust. But that understanding piece is going to be huge as you choose different.
MORE ON HERMONEY:
- How Therapy Can Improve Your Financial State
- 5 Questions To Ask A Financial Advisor Before You Consider Working With Them
- Why My Dog Is My Therapist: How Pets Can Reduce Stress & Improve Mental Health
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